- Sometimes (especially near big tests) it feels like we're people who just happen to live in the same house as each other. Like you're just roommates but the other one doesn't ever do the dishes.
- But you didn't expect him to be doing the dishes; he's got better things to be doing. It's not the not-doing-dishes that's hard - it's that utter loss of time and closeness that make it hard. You really have to work at your relationship to keep your humor, intimacy, and personality intact.
- But sometimes you can't help but both be living your separate lives and hope they become the same life again someday.
- A professor at James's school says he and his wife got through it by remembering med school is "a short term investment for a long term benefit." I like this, and tell myself some variation of that at least weekly. "It's not forever." "It's just three more years." "It'll end someday." "It'll be worth it."
- At times you almost stagger under the thought of how the end isn't the end - after school there's residency, which is its own tangle of poorly paid and overworked years, and then you have to face a student loan which is worth more than the average house. And you realize that this whole "at least you'll be married to a doctor" line people try to sell you is baloney. The first half of becoming and being a doctor is miserable, and "someday you'll have money" doesn't help the "now you don't have any, and your kids don't see their dad, and there's nothing for birthdays" problem. Maybe in twenty years.
- But when your student comes home excited about something they learned, you love it. They try to explain it to you and usually can't because it's obscure and not that interesting to you, but you love, love, love it anyway.
- You know your family and friends will never truly understand what your life is right now; it's not realistic to them. And that's okay. They become desensitized to it, or might be hurt by why you still can't do whatever it is, and it stinks to hurt them. It's hard to communicate the daily weight of this, and that every single test is a very big deal, and when we do have time off, we want to spend it together first. Other things that used to be high on the priority list slip down, and family and friends notice that loss, and it's heartbreaking to contribute to that. I feel very protective of my time with James. We need it.
- Test days (at least for me) are actually wonderful. James gets the day off after his tests, and since he has nothing new to study, I know we get to have family time.
- Sometimes after test weeks, when Henry sees James on Sunday after many days of little to no visual of James, Henry is wary or afraid of James, the tall stranger. I think that's pretty hard on James, and it's hard to know we can't really change it. But as Henry gets older, it's getting better.
- On the other hand, Henry is so young he won't remember this, so it's lucky.
- You can talk for hours to anyone who'll listen about the nuances of medical school and you don't even attend. Your nuances are different from your student's, though. It gets a little old hanging around your student and his school friends - that is ALL THEY TALK ABOUT. You'd think they might for once talk about something else, like sports or video games or the weather, but those topics last for maybe ten seconds.
- However, you yourself have your own topics that are probably ALL YOU TALK ABOUT, and it makes an enormous difference to get some sort of support group for you as a spouse, too. This could be church, other student wives, coworkers, or anything. You need your life to matter, too, and I love that I have friends who are in EXACTLY the same boat as me, and they understand completely. I love it.
- The utter, crushing, financial weight of this is something I will not miss.
- I am so grateful for programs and loans and other things that help us afford to get through this.
- I never cease to be amazed at what James knows and is capable of. Not only the material they're learning (he can diagnose things! It's crazy!) but his capacity for self discipline, his ability to study effectively, his great intellectual effort, his natural skill and joy for the subject. I like to see my husband succeed at things he works hard for.
- There is something both humbling and strengthening about these years. Knowing we're in this together, following our family's dreams, and working so hard to do this - it's the kind of thing you look back on, I suppose, and say, with great satisfaction, "We did that." For today, there is great pride in saying, "We're doing this now."
- And despite it all, I am happy. I'm with my husband (at least sometimes) and I'm with my son. It's a safe place. There's sunshine and there are friends. There is beauty in our struggle. We are adding strength to our family. All I want is to be with James and Henry, anyway, so why not here? Why not be happy with that now?
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
Hard and hopeful truths of being a med wife
If you recall, we originally started this blog so people could get an idea of what it's like to go to med school. We wished there had been more blogs for us to read before starting so we could get an idea of what it's like. Here are some thoughts I've had over these last few months about what it's like at times. I'm hesitant to post this, because if I knew ahead of time what it would be like, it would have been much more frightening for me. But despite it all, there is joy here. Joy and difficulty. And at times, all of these are true.
The uppercut of all semesters
This semester (the second semester of year two) has been the hardest so far for both of us. This is mostly due to condensed course work, huge board tests, and preparing for rotations (years 3 and 4).
James has to take his first huge certification test by June. Think of it as the doctor equivalent of the lawyer's bar exam. In order to give students more time dedicated to studying for that, our school finishes most (but not all) classes in early April, so they have more free time the months before the test. Because of this condensed schedule of regular classes, he has more classes per day than usual to get through than before, so each day is already much more demanding for him. He has one more week of this schedule before he's done with the bulk of classes for the semester and will instead use all his time studying for boards.
On top of that, Jame is also studying for multiple hours each day for the big board test outside of normal studying. This studying includes old notes, old lectures, study aides, and a whole lot of practice questions from question banks. A LOT of that.
The board test this year is one of three big old expensive tests for DO students (called step 1, step 2, and step 3, conveniently). There is also an equivalent series of tests for MD students. They're both difficult groups of tests, but programs don't always accept them interchangeably. He must take the DO ones since that's what he'll be, but we decided that it would be best for us and our future if he did both. the DO and MD tests. In our case, the first of each series is scheduled for the very end of May. He spends an astonishing amount of time studying each day with this combined with normal studying. That's been very hard on him and in turn on the family to never see him.
Another difficulty of this semester has been more of an emotional one: preparing for rotations for the next two years. Some schools are big enough to have their own teaching hospital, but ours is not, so our students go to one of some twenty-odd rotation sites for the next two years to learn the on-the-job side of things. We ranked the sites in order of preference, but ultimately, it's a lottery system and you go where you're assigned. We ended up getting assigned to Harlan, KY, which is about one hour from our house. It was not something we were expecting; it was definitely not one of our top preferences. We were frustrated with this assignment at first, but have since made our peace with it. It does have some benefits: we'll stay in our house so we don't have to move, I can keep my job, it's a much lower cost of living than some of the sites (e.g. Tampa), and since it's more of a rural hospital there aren't as many students so James can do more hands-on stuff. We're actually content with it now, but for a little bit there it felt like some promised adventure was taken away from us, like we were being held back in some way by not getting to move on. We're still a little nervous because we will see less of James each day because of the commute, and I'd hoped to see more of him, but we like our area! We love our landlords. Our house is perfect for us. I like my job. It'll be okay.
But really - this semester has been overwhelmingly draining for both of us. My mantra since Christmas has been, "I can do anything for six months." Now we're down to, "I can do anything for two months!" It has been such a loooong four months, though. But imagine the relief when it's over! Our calendar has a series of exclamation points written on it for the entire week after the board tests are over. That is my goal. That week will be...well, honestly, it probably won't be worth it, but it will be sweet and wonderful. And over.
James has to take his first huge certification test by June. Think of it as the doctor equivalent of the lawyer's bar exam. In order to give students more time dedicated to studying for that, our school finishes most (but not all) classes in early April, so they have more free time the months before the test. Because of this condensed schedule of regular classes, he has more classes per day than usual to get through than before, so each day is already much more demanding for him. He has one more week of this schedule before he's done with the bulk of classes for the semester and will instead use all his time studying for boards.
On top of that, Jame is also studying for multiple hours each day for the big board test outside of normal studying. This studying includes old notes, old lectures, study aides, and a whole lot of practice questions from question banks. A LOT of that.
The board test this year is one of three big old expensive tests for DO students (called step 1, step 2, and step 3, conveniently). There is also an equivalent series of tests for MD students. They're both difficult groups of tests, but programs don't always accept them interchangeably. He must take the DO ones since that's what he'll be, but we decided that it would be best for us and our future if he did both. the DO and MD tests. In our case, the first of each series is scheduled for the very end of May. He spends an astonishing amount of time studying each day with this combined with normal studying. That's been very hard on him and in turn on the family to never see him.
Another difficulty of this semester has been more of an emotional one: preparing for rotations for the next two years. Some schools are big enough to have their own teaching hospital, but ours is not, so our students go to one of some twenty-odd rotation sites for the next two years to learn the on-the-job side of things. We ranked the sites in order of preference, but ultimately, it's a lottery system and you go where you're assigned. We ended up getting assigned to Harlan, KY, which is about one hour from our house. It was not something we were expecting; it was definitely not one of our top preferences. We were frustrated with this assignment at first, but have since made our peace with it. It does have some benefits: we'll stay in our house so we don't have to move, I can keep my job, it's a much lower cost of living than some of the sites (e.g. Tampa), and since it's more of a rural hospital there aren't as many students so James can do more hands-on stuff. We're actually content with it now, but for a little bit there it felt like some promised adventure was taken away from us, like we were being held back in some way by not getting to move on. We're still a little nervous because we will see less of James each day because of the commute, and I'd hoped to see more of him, but we like our area! We love our landlords. Our house is perfect for us. I like my job. It'll be okay.
But really - this semester has been overwhelmingly draining for both of us. My mantra since Christmas has been, "I can do anything for six months." Now we're down to, "I can do anything for two months!" It has been such a loooong four months, though. But imagine the relief when it's over! Our calendar has a series of exclamation points written on it for the entire week after the board tests are over. That is my goal. That week will be...well, honestly, it probably won't be worth it, but it will be sweet and wonderful. And over.
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